I went back into my drafts earlier this week and realized that I had a full post ready to go, but because of the baby, who arrived 2 weeks early, it was never posted.
I mean, it’s old news and a lot has happened in some ways, but I hope you find this moderately interesting/entertaining to revisit what was a rather tenuous time.
We’re expecting a baby next month, although chances are it will be much a bit sooner than we think. Mama is feeling it, given this is her fifth pregnancy in six years. I’m feeling it too if only in a different way.
Obviously, it has been a weird year since Francis' passing. We had a miscarriage roughly three months after, maybe 6ish weeks into the pregnancy itself. I barely talk about it other than mention their name during our prayers at night. We named them Felix Carol since we’ll never know this side of Heaven what their gender was and that’s okay.
It’s a grief that hits in a different way though because we didn’t have a body to bury. We couldn’t bear to truly recognize or celebrate that new life that was briefly with us. We were already staggering under the weight of losing our third child. Maybe someday we’ll be able to honor them in a way that is appropriate and worthy of them.
For now, our fifth child is on her way and we have to prepare. We are going to transition from a family of four to five. I built the crib earlier this week, which we were given by a friend. It’s the most solid thing we’ve had for our kids, which is good since they tend to be hard on their beds. I couldn’t help, but think about how her room was going to be Frankie’s room.
I know she will be her own person and I know as soon as she is born, I’ll recognize that. And yes, it will hurt always with the knowledge of her brother who she’ll never know. I can’t help, but believe that he knows that we love him and that he loved/loves us. Maybe some gross sentimentality there, but I’m saying that with as much clinical detachment as I can muster—if only to reassure myself.
It has been healing to get ready, even if also exhausting. Cleaning, building last-minute things, and organizing the house before it all blows up. I fell asleep in my chair around 8:30 PM, which is unheard of for me1, the other night. Clearly, the grief and anxiety of anticipation are getting to me.
I’m a night owl typically, despite becoming a parent I normally don’t get to bed until midnight.